GROWING FAMILIES

Psychologist Rachel Bridge on the messy, tender truth of adding to your family and why the second (or third) time isn't a tunnel-free ride either.

AND THEN THERE WERE TWO...OR THREE..OR FOUR...

Some might say that entering parenthood is somewhat like riding a train through a tunnel…. you know there will be light but for moments at a time, the outside world gets shut out, we find ourselves consumed by sleep deprivation, adjustments, uncertainty and self-doubt. As tough as these moments and chapters are, as we emerge from the tunnel we are rewarded with the joys, delights and love filled experiences that parenthood serves up, fuelling us with the resilience, understanding and confidence to ride through the next tunnel…. perhaps even guiding us towards the decision to grow our family and bring another love giving bundle of baby cuteness into the world.

Some may anticipate that with the wisdom and experience (and reality check) that was ‘our first time as parents’, surely the second time may just be a tunnel free ride?!?! Or maybe for some it feels like a whole new journey is ahead with many added and different tunnels to navigate.

Adjusting to bringing a new baby into the family, whether that be second or third time around is just that…another adjustment. It often brings so many unique and delicate transitions, changes and sensitivities. So, how do we best support ourselves and our children through this growth and change?

SUPPORTING YOUR EMOTIONAL WELL BEING IS ESSENTIAL

This can be done in many ways, one is holding openness, anticipation and acceptance for the thoughts and feelings that may surface. Here are just a few of the experiences that we often here parents saying ‘I wish I knew’ in response to...

Often you won’t feel like your enough…. its ok, you are Its ok if you feel like it’s all too much, you’re not alone, these moments (and feelings) will pass.

There may be grief. Grief over the changing relationship with your first born

There may be anxiety…anxiety about the practical and relational changes a second child may bring

There may be frustration…stemming from the juggle of meeting the parenting demands of one little person whilst navigating all the pregnancy feels.

You may feel split, emotionally, physically and relationally. This is normal, and not evidence that you’re failing.

AN INVITATION FOR YOU

Lower the pressure, we put on ourselves and show self-compassion

Expect a little less perfection and a lot more mess .

Expect wobbly and changing routines and rhythms.

Expect big feelings from our first born and trust that they are also ok .

Expect a long list of unfinished tasks.

Expect to ride the waves of emotions

MORE WAYS TO SUPPORT YOURSELF

- Acknowledge and make space for how your feeling, knowing that feelings aren’t threats, they come and go

- Remember, the transition to parenthood was no doubt at times rough, it’s normal that your mind and body remember this and wants to prepare you…a mental health team can support you through these sensitivities, ups and downs

- Anchor yourself with the wisdom and knowing that your first time into and through parenthood has offered you…growth often remains unseen, but it will be there

- Rally your supporters…we weren’t meant to do this on our own. Leaning on the supporters that showed up for your during your first parenthood transition, in a way that felt aligned and accessible can bring immense support and safety as you all navigate new life and life as a family of four (or more)

-Know yourself…what supports you through change? What’s helps you in times of stress? Is it movement, is it mindfulness? is it talking with a friend? Is it therapy?

- Trust that there will be expansion, of love, of your capacity, of joy. Like with all life transitions, they arrive with experiences of loss and grief as well as gain and growth

- Seek and receive support and help. Our villages may not look and function how they used to, but, with openness, intention and sometimes a little creativity, we can work towards building our own modern village. Maybe that includes family, neighbours or friends. Maybe it includes day care, a babysitter or nanny. Maybe it includes a cleaner, meal prep or laundry service. Maybe it includes a psychologist, midwife or social worker. However it looks, you deserve to feel seen, supported, secure and safe through all your parenting transitions.